It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain
Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was:

"Name seven advantages of mother's milk."

The student in question had also partied the night before, and was finding it hard to think of 7 advantages. He finally wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test was rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He was the only student to make a 100 on the exam!

 A police officer pulls over a speeding car full of old nuns. As he walks up to speak to the driver, he notices that all the passengers are clearly distraught.

The officer asks the driver for her license and registration.

The sweet nun asks, "What was I doing wrong, sir?"

"Well sister, you were speeding."

"How could I have been speeding? I religiously obey all posted speed limits."

"Well ma'am the posted speed limit is 55 and you were going 75."

"Yes sir, the sign back there said 75."

The officer thinks for a while and then kindly explains, "Ma'am that sign was indicating that this is RT. 75."

Just then a nun in the back pipes up, "Somebody should have stopped us when we were on RT. 195."

 A minister shared this story about his life:

"I loved to sing and was often asked to sing at special occasions for my church. One day something happened that totally blew me away. I came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. My wife asked what was wrong, and I told her that the wife had asked me to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

I was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. I struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, I carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.

The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song," she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As I began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.

She was actually giggling as I concluded, and I felt glad I'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.

After the service she thanked me for sharing my music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested you to sing was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"

The Diagnosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss your problems with him.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

"The Karate Dog"

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my butt!"

 The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

From URL:  http://www.ahajokes.com/law002.html

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Jesus Is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

From URL:  http://www.ahajokes.com/off01.html

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

A Sunday School Teacher asked her 2nd grade class to write notes to God.

Here are some they handed in:

Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You
keep the ones You already have?

Dear

God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had
their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear God:

I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are
only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Dear God:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:

Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?

Dear God:

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:

Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God:

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:

Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He is just kidding, isn't he?

Dear God:

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

 Top 10 Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."


9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You
probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to
relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at work...


1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

 There were four Christians flying in a small airplane over the ocean on a missionary trip when the plane suddenly began to fall out of the sky.

The pilot turned to the minister and two teenagers sitting in the passengers seats and announced, "I have bad and worse news!" Before anyone could respond, the pilot explained that the plane was out of gas and going to crash and because he was a young father and husband he was going to take one of only three parachutes that was stored on the plane. With that he grabbed a parachute and jumped out!

One of the teenagers, who had just won worldwide acclaim as "The Smartest Teenager" grabbed a parachute and just before jumping to safety explained to the two that were left behind that "He was going to be the who discovers the cure for cancer or win the Nobel Peace Prize!" And then he grabbed a paruchute and jumped out!

The minister looked at the one remaining teenager and calmly explained that he had lived a long and full life and was more than prepared to go home and be with the Lord. He then picked up the lone remaining parachute and offered it to the other teenager.

With just a little smirk on his face, the last remaining teenager said, "Oh, that's OK Preacher- we can both jump out in time to save ourselves!" "How?" asked the startled minister. "Ya know that 'World's Smartest Teenager? He jumped out with my backpack!"

 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, but
blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the
mailbox and again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into
the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here
she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed
it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps
saying', "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,

"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." He got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed . . .

. . .to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"

 A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."

This was distributed by Patty on DeaFreedom.com - enjoy! :)

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Q. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A. You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

Q. A blonde and a brunette are pushed out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do you call 25 blondes standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. What do you call 10 blondes in a refridgerator?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You can park in the handicap zone.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A. There's white-out on the screen.

Q. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A. There's writing on the white-out.

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A. "Thanks for the refill!"

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.

Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q. What do you get when you give a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A. Change.

Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months?
A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.

Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A. Give her a bag of M & M s and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q. What goes: VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A. She missed.

Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
A. "It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."


Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde #2: Well you better hurry up and try harder, because it's starting to rain and the top is down!

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Did you hear about the blonde who locked her keys in the car? It took her an hour to get her family out of the car.

Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone

Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes, as the floors got higher. The only rule was once a woman opened the door to any floor, she had to choose a man from that floor, and if she went up a floor, she couldn't back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor:

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.


Second floor:

The sign says, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor:


"These men have high paying jobs! , are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!?"

And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor:

"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are Extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me. But just think!! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor:


The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day."